being oneself
If I weren't myself, I wouldn't be in this situation. I'm keenly aware 85% of my problems were of my choosing. If I had a different personality, if I chose what people wanted me to choose, I'd be so much better off. No pets, no partner, no freelancing. A stable, government job would give me the financial stability I crave so much. No pets or partner would mean living with family and having a lot less bills to pay. Living comfortably, in a flat that isn't mine, but that is always pristine clean, with a fully stocked fridge. I wouldn't have to worry about groceries or credit card debt or pets getting sick and costing a fortune to care for... If only I weren't who I am. I had the privilege of being born in a nice, stable family... but I had to go and be me and fuck me over completely. I don't know how to not be me. I just don't know how to make things get better. I don't know. At this point, I can't abandon my pets or my partner. I think I broke myself too deeply to work a regular 9 to 5... So I don't know. I think this is it. I'm stuck here. I don't know how to change anything because then I'd have to change who I am and I don't know how to do that.
My brain and my choices suck.